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pregnancy fail

01.14.16

pregancy fail | almost makes perfect

so this is not the easiest post to write, because i wasn’t telling anyone about this – let alone telling … anyone who’d want to read. but after going through the experience, i felt so incredibly compelled to talk about it openly, because i think i would have felt a lot better during it had i been talking about it, or having had known more about miscarriages prior.

i’m going to tell you the whole detailed story of my experience, but you can totally skip it. i just thought i’d include it all. 

about 6 months after we got married, i got off the pill — not to start trying but just to kinda feel used to being off of it after 15 years, and then to eventually start trying. gideon has been wanting a baby, basically since we got married – and one day in november, we had some married people sex.

in early december, i was spotting about two weeks after my period. i wasn’t sure why so we googled it and it said spotting can mean pregnancy. the next day while gid was at work i took a pregnancy test — and it said positive. i’ve never taken a pregnancy test and have never known that feeling and when i saw that double line i instantly starting screaming FUUUCK and crying. i took another test and it said pregnant again and i started coming to peace with it… a little.

when gid got home, i put the tests in a box and said i had a present for him. he opened it and cried and we started getting so stoked together, fantasizing about being cool parents and how we were gonna reveal it to my mom for christmas. we went to a fancy sushi dinner to celebrate and to eat sushi one last time. we were so proud of ourselves for making a baby from just one sesh. we knew we weren’t supposed to get excited yet but we totally did.

the next day when i called my doctor, they said they were concerned with the timeline, that i had just had my period and the spotting, and to go do a blood test. in the span of 12 hours, i went from freaking out to being so excited to suddenly scared and worried.

this happened on a friday, and i spent that whole day in bed crying. and i had to go to three holiday parties that weekend without knowing what was going on with my body— i was trying desperately to put on a happy face but i was going fucking nuts inside. i was also drinking a little. just a complete rollercoaster of emotions. my mom kept asking me what was wrong and i kept telling her i was feeling sick, but not talking to her about this was heartbreaking. i was keeping it from her because i felt like i should save any sort of pregnancy news for when we were announcing a real baby – but it was so painful to keep this to myself.

after blood tests every other day (which are especially shitty because i hate needles) and an ultra sound, the results were that i was in fact still pregnant – and not quite miscarrying, but instead having an ectopic pregnancy. i was about 5 weeks along and the hormone levels in my blood were going up daily, but at a glacial pace.

it had been one week dealing with it at this point, and while i was on the phone with my mom — she straight up asked me “did you miscarry?” i started crying and asked her how she knew and she just said she had a feeling. it was such a relief to finally talk to her about it, and hear about her experiences having her own miscarriage and i felt like i could finally take a breath.

i decided not to google it, so i really knew nothing besides what the doctor told me. he sent me to the emergency room to have medication injected, methotrexate — a cancer and alzheimers medication that kills the cells. we spent 7 hours sitting in the ER, which was probably my least favorite day ever. i was crying almost the whole time, and they kept having me draw blood until they finally gave me two shots in each butt cheek. but i had the good sense to have gid take a photo of me suffering, because the last time i was in the hospital for a moped accident, i was so mad i didn’t have a photo of my face looking like i had just fought mike tyson.

pregancy fail | almost makes perfect

i went home and felt so hopeful and spent the weekend basically just tired and ready to be done with this. on sunday we saw star wars and all of a sudden i started feeling some serious pain. they had warned me id probably have cramps and could have bleeding from the medication, but i actually felt the most pain in my … butt. like the center part of my butt. really embarrassing to say, but i’m trying to be as transparent as i can. the next morning the pain was excruciating, so i went back to the doctor again. i turned down having yet another ultra sound because at this point i just didn’t want anything else touching me. he gave me a painkiller that basically knocked me out for the next 2 days. 

the pain subsided and i started feeling so relieved, but i hadn’t bled yet and the blood tests weren’t at zero yet by the time christmas was here. he wanted me to do blood tests every other day until they went to zero, but we were leaving for mexico — so i’d have to wait until i got home to do another test.

i was so stoked to go on vacation and stop thinking about this for a minute, but that didn’t happen. not only did i feel emotionally wrecked, i felt like i was showing and having stomach pains, and just holding my breath to get my period. 6 days into the trip and i hadn’t gotten it yet, so i started freaking out that id have to get surgery when we got home and that i wouldn’t be able to have babies ever.

but finally, i got my period. happiest period ever! it changed everything, like this huge huge weight had been lifted. when i got home i took another blood test and i’m happy to report my hormone levels dropped to below 100, so i’ve just got one more test to take because the dr wants me to reach zero, but we’re feeling good that it’s over.

throughout this experience, i went from keeping it a secret from everyone i knew to wanting to tell everyone close to me. once i had let it out to my mom, i just kept thinking that people should talk about this more. i know miscarriages are common, we all hear that, but i didn’t know anything beyond that. i didn’t know what an ectopic pregnancy was, i didn’t know anything. its so easy to feel shame, like you were unsuccessful at carrying a baby – but i think a big part of that is because we don’t talk about it. and we don’t want to tell people until we’re having a baby and its all good news and celebrating. i told gideon i was gonna just start telling everyone, because not only did i feel better when i got it out, but people talking about it and hearing other peoples experiences could only create more comfort in these horrible situations.

and i know i have a very minor situation, it could have been so much worse. we felt horrible sadness after just one short night of celebrating and i can’t even imagine the devastation from this happening with a longer pregnancy. but i feel strongly that gid and i are stronger than ever from dealing with this together, and we’ll be that much more grateful to be successful, hopefully the next time. we’ve decided we’re going to wait a couple of months and maybe redo our kitchen, and then we’ll try again.

and sorry for the longwinded buzzkill of a post, i wanted to leave nothing out in case anyone is going through this and feels or felt the same type of pain and isolation. and if you made it through, thanks for listening. 

PHOTO BY NHU XHUAN HUA

81 comments on “pregnancy fail”

  1. molly, while i have not personally gone through this sort of emotional trauma, i applaud you for talking publicly about it. don’t quote me on this, but i’m pretty sure each woman knows at least one other woman who has gone through a miscarriage of any sort. you deserve all the support you can get at this time; we are a social species that needs support from our peers!

    …which is just a long way of saying, I GOT YOUR BACK, GURL.

    1. thank you claire! yeah, the more you talk about it the more you realize everyone has gone through it or their friend or their mom or their cousin… i really, really appreciate the support xx

  2. Honey. I’m so, so sorry. The pain of losing a baby is something no one should ever have to experience. I so admire your bravery in being transparent. P.S. Not a buzzkill —> courageous, rather. xo

    1. thank you christi! now that its almost over — i’m just now so grateful it wasn’t a longer term or anything – it could have been so much worse so i’m trying to think positively! thank you thank you thank you xxxx

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss molly. You are such a beautiful and brave soul, having to go through that (ugh, I feel you with the needles – I have a phobia for them and the idea of them every other day…) and being able to share your experience so publicly. My thoughts are with both you and your husband xx

  4. Molly, this post really hit home for me. Going through personal trauma with having fertility issues, I could relate a lot with all the feels (and pains) you went through. Also, those butt shots are/were the worst!! My husband and I definitely went through trauma, loss, shame, frustration, etc affected us, but at the same time it made is stronger partners for each other. When you and gid become parents, you are going to seriously be the coolest!

    1. thank you thank you so much for this — so nice to hear from someone who went through all of it! we keep saying we’re so much stronger now that we’ve been through this too – really appreciate this and glad you’re doing way better now. xo

  5. My sweet Molly and Gideon. I could not stop crying after reading this post. You are
    So brave for sharing your story
    Second, just because you experienced this loss,doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy a houseful
    Of children in the future.
    I am so sorry for what you have gone thru and I want you to know I am always here for you.
    I love you so much my sweet little girl
    Mommy

  6. Hey Molly.. I am almost in tears reading your story. My friend recently went through the same thing and I’m not sure how to console her. Both she and her husband were to the moon ecstatic that they were pregnant. When I found out, I was doubly stoked for them. Now I’m just not sure I should even bring it up for fear of reminding her about it. They are confident and moving forward with trying again and I hope you & Gideon are feeling the same way. Thanks for sharing this with us readers!

    1. everyone is different obviously, but honestly with the friends i did tell about it – i was glad to even get the “how you feeling?” texts. the littlest gestures of support really do help, so i’d say just be there for her and be there to listen if she needs you to be. i’m a little scared about it right now but i think in a few months we’ll be feeling ready and optimistic. xo

  7. Thank you so much for your detailed honesty. Though I am a few years out from my own child-bearing days, I am always soaking up the stories and wisdom of others’ experiences. Not only does it equip me to go into it aware, but it prepares me to be there for others in their times of pain and confusion.
    Praying peace for your heart and mind and body.

    xo,
    Courtney

    1. thank you courtney! i think you’re being super smart. i really had no knowledge of this kinda thing, and wish i had in retrospect. hope when you are ready that everything goes smoothly and perfectly for you xx

  8. THANK YOU! Thank you for writing about this, Molly. I’m so sorry for your loss. A few of my co-workers and friends have miscarried, and in some cases multiple times and I’ve covered their shifts each time. It sucks that we as a society don’t talk about it more. Its common and yet there is this stigma against talking about that makes woman feel even more alone and isolated in their grief.

    It’s not right and I applaud you for sharing. Your story can and will provide comfort to all women. Thank you.

    1. thank you margaret! i really hope i’m able to provide even one person comfort in their own situation. i agree 100%, if we all talked about this as it happened to us, we’d get the emotional support we need to go through it. if it happens to me again, i will be shouting from rooftops that i need a hug haha

  9. Hi Molly.

    I never ever ever comment on the blogs on my blog roll, but really needed to comment on this. Thank you for posting this. I am going through something in the same vein and it has been very hard to deal with as I felt like I shouldn’t tell anyone and I was scared of the impact it would have on my relationship. However, I have been reading lots of articles on how to deal with the grief, pain, and emotions I am going through, and they have all recommended talking about it. I am not prepared to shout it from the roof tops but not boxing it up has been very powerful for me because the dialogue has started an open dialogue between my significant other and I about our feelings and thoughts of what we are going through. This is a complicated thing to go through and very scary. But I really thank you for posting it. It has given me a lot of comfort that I am not alone.

    Christine

    1. christine! thank you for commenting. i am totally here feeling all the same things and i know it’s so tough to deal with, let alone on your own. i really now feel strongly that we don’t know how the F to deal with all these emotions and we need loved ones to be there not only for their own experiences but just for love and support – so i’m really glad to hear you guys are dealing with it together now. you’re not alone. xoxoxo

  10. Thank you for sharing your story. My sister suffered an ectopic pregnancy and it was such a scary and emotional time for her, her husband and the family. I applaud you for speaking about it on such a public forum because usually these things are kept secret and I think women need more outlets of support so no one feels that they are alone in their experiences.

    1. thank you heather! i was so scared to do this post, but i am now so glad i did. not only was it totally cathartic for me to write, but yeah — i really hope people can start discussing this with each other and getting the support they need. hope your sister + fam are doing ok now xo

  11. Thanks so much for sharing. I agree that this is a topic that deserves more communication. So many go through it- why is it deemed to be shameful? Life is full of ups and downs. I’m so sorry that you and your husband had to endure such an emotional situation. Best of luck with the kitchen.
    XOXO

  12. Thank you so much for writing this. My heart ached for you as I read this, and I am so sorry that you went through this. I applaud you for posting this, as I feel women need to talk about things like this so that they aren’t just a big scary mystery when they do unfortunately happen to some. I am sending you good thoughts and love as you and gideon continue healing.

  13. Hi Molly,
    I don’t usually comment but this has definitely hit home for me. I am having fertility issues – although I never miscarried – but I totally agree that we should be more open, so that we can support each other through this! I hope you are feeling better now, and I don’t know if you believe this, but things happen for a reason. This will make you stronger and you will be great parents!

  14. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but I’m glad you are talking about it. I think it’s important to healing and dealing with grief that people actually know why you’re grieving. I’m glad that it wasn’t to the extent that you needed surgery.

  15. There’s a beautiful connection among us, among women who has gone through miscarriage. I read your words and I can genuinely understand what it means. Even that feeling of wondering why it isn’t a well known topic.
    I would like to share some things I’ve learned and have helped me to carry on.
    1) Your loss is not less than others, even if they’re pregnancies where longer.
    2) It hasn’t been your fault. Can’t stress enough.
    3) Hormones do exist. Men move in a straight line but we do spiral. Remember it while feeling down.
    I wish you luck and lots of love and understanding.
    (sorry for my English ^^)

  16. I think there’s an understandable tendency in today’s blogging world, especially among lifestyle/DIY-type bloggers, to feel like personal/heavy/emotional posts are not what people want to read/are open to reading or are a buzzkill or whatever. I think that’s rarely the case, and it wasn’t for me here – your willingness to share and be open and show your readers that your life has its challenges/is real made this reader feel more connected to you – and your excellent DIYs, home and shopping posts, etc. I’m sorry for your loss but look forward to also reading future happy news!

  17. Molly,

    I am so sorry for your loss, though happy to see that lots of other readers have also written in to share their love and support during this difficult time. Unfortunately, I know what you are going through all too well. After several months of trying, I got pregnant this summer and was ecstatic. It was right before a lovely vacation to the UK, a trip that we started secretly calling our ‘babymoon’. Before leaving we told a few close friends and family members (who knew we had been eagerly trying) but otherwise tried to contain ourselves until the typical three month all clear mark.

    Our baby—this blessed, much desired, and already loved addition to our ‘little family’ (hubby and I)—proved to be in danger of miscarriage at my 8-week ultrasound. My doctor, unfortunately, delivered the news of probable miscarriage quite ineptly and bluntly and my husband and I were destroyed. I spent the two weeks leading up to the follow up appointment vainly convincing myself the doctor was wrong and everything would be fine, since I still my pregnancy symptoms had not abated. The next appointment, as you can imagine, was not fine and—wanting desperately to avoid surgery, which felt wrong on so many levels—I was prescribed medicine to induce miscarriage. It only after the fourth dosage, a solid five days after my first attempt at inducing, that the medicine finally worked. It was the most emotionally and physically painful day of my life. I would not wish that experience on anyone.

    Ironically, as someone who is a big sharer of my thoughts and feelings, I drew little comfort from other people’s consolations or similarly painful stories. They just made me feel more sad about how shitty biology can be, especially to couples like us who would make great parents and want nothing more than to raise a little person up right in this world. It is only now, as we continue to try and as time starts to (if only slightly) soften this horrible blow, that I can read stories like yours and take (bitter) comfort in knowing that this is an all too common (and thus normal) occurrence.

    The thing that I tell myself, and that I hope brings you some reassurance as well, is that you have gotten pregnant before and that means that you can again. It does nothing to mitigate the horrible loss that you have suffered but, for me at least, it helps brighten the future and make me more confident about trying again to have what many call that “rainbow baby”.

    I hope you allow yourself time to honor your feelings in whatever form they bubble up. Me and other devoted readers are always happy to hear your truth, whenever you might need to tell it. In the meantime, sending you lots of supportive thoughts and proverbial pints of ice cream.

    1. katie — thank you so much for your comment. i am so sorry you went through this and i really hope you have much better luck in the future. it’s so hard to know your body is growing something and not feel like suddenly your world is completely spinning and to not get attached. and to have to go through all the pain, trouble, and money to get rid of something like this is just the icing. i hope you can be comforted by the fact that it’s not just you and its not your fault and sometimes life sucks. sending all my love.

  18. THANK YOU for sharing this. My sister had a miscarriage at 14 weeks in October (the process took two weeks to complete). When she would share things about it, we were both amazed that we never knew how all of this happens. I realize it’s different for everyone but all we hear about this situation is 1) that it happens very often 2) that we never talk about it enough.
    But even though we know that we don’t talk about it enough, we STILL don’t talk about it enough. Thank you so much for sharing this. Every dose of reality helps. I can’t thank you enough.

    1. thank you libby! i hope your sister is feeling good now. its totally true – every little bit helps but hopefully someday women can feel at peace in a way when they hear this news for themselves.

  19. Lots of love to you Molly, I had a missed miscarriage with my first, it was heartbreaking, but now in hindsight if I hadn’t lost that baby, I wouldn’t have my girl now. I remember going in for my D&C and my OB telling me that nearly every woman will have a miscarriage in there life, most not knowing they were pregnant to start with. Yet being such a common thing, it is not talked about- so thank you for talking about it and giving it a voice.

  20. Oh Molly, what a heart wrenching retelling of a horrible ordeal. I’m sorry you had to go through that but I’m glad you’re on the other side and that much stronger for it. I also appreciate your wonderful sense of humour and f-bomb dropping throughout this post. You are such an inspiration and I’m glad you took a chance on this topic. Lots of love! xo

  21. I have never heard of an ectopic pregnancy either, I know one of my aunts had a miscarriage (before i was born) but no body ever talks about it.
    I’m so so so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you so much for sharing. You’re one incredibly brave person. Im sure you’d help a lot of people through this post :)

    x Carina / Running White Horses

  22. Hi Molly, I also had a miscarriage last month and truly understand what you (and your husband) are going through. I still feel d e s t r o y e d. I had let myself get so excited (I even bought some super cute zara baby clothes)….I know…ugh. More than anything I just wish people would talk about this more. I feel a little better everyday (as I am sure you do too) but it’s still hard. I found out a good friend was pregnant yesterday and broke down again. All we can do is breathe, love our bodies regardless, and trust what will be. Thanks for being brave XX

    1. ugh just hearing you say zara baby clothes makes me melt. i am so sorry you still feel so bad — i really am crossing my fingers for you and your husband and im sending my love too. xx

  23. Hello Molly, I have been a silent supporter of you, but decided to break the silence today. I applaud your courage for sharing such a personal experience. And my heart goes out to you. Sending you lots of love and wishing you nothing but joy, peace and great health! Stay strong!

  24. i miscarried my first pregnancy as well, and know how traumatic of a first pregnancy experience it is, i’m so sorry. i hope you are feeling better. remember it’s ok to be sad and grieve this time, and give yourself the time you need before trying again (it took awhile for me to feel ready again). ((hugs)) <3

    1. feeling the same way. right now i’m just so scared itll happen all over again, so im trying to chill with those emotions and let myself get over it. thank you so much zoe.

  25. Oh Molly, I’m so sad to hear you’ve been through this. Thank you for your bravery telling your story. It sounds like it was terrifying. Sending you all my love!

    xx

  26. Molly, I’m so sorry and sad to hear about your miscarriage. It’s so hard, frustrating, painful, and scary. I’m sorry.

    I had a miscarriage in September (our first pregnancy) and it was so, so hard. I’m still sad about. Like you guys, we didn’t tell anyone besides our parents and in retrospect, I wish I had maybe told some friends? (Who knows. It was a crazy time and I felt horrible, physically and emotionally.) I eventually told a few friends after it was all said and done. Most of them were so kind and it was nice to feel buoyed up by all these women who knew what I was feeling (including my mom). Thank you for being so open and willing to be vulnerable about this! Take gentle care of yourself! xo

    1. thank you paige! sorry you had to go through it too, but i’m glad youre feeling better about it. if it happens again, i’m immediately calling my mom! x

  27. Molly, I pass by your blog every week to read and lust over your awesome home and pictures, but this one post really hit me hard. Just last night, my brother and his wife miscarried their 11-week baby, (it sounds so surreal to write it out) and it has really left them and everyone in my family devastated. Two hours before their ultrasound, they lost him or her, my baby nephew or niece. I certainly don’t know what to say to them, other than offer my ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I cannot even imagine the pain you went through, but I thank you so much for writing it out and sharing your story. You give me hope and strength that I hope to pass on to my brother and sissy in law. Thank you for your courage <3

    XX

    1. thank you so much julie! i am so sorry for your loss and for your family. you for sure did the right thing by just being there, that’s all i’ve really needed (plus an upgrade to commercial free hulu). it’ll take a little time but im sure they’ll be feeling positive soon because they’re not alone. xx

  28. so sorry to hear this, just went through a miscarriage last month and seriously this needs to be talked about more, I wasn’t aware how often this happens. it’s a horrible feeling and just like you I didn’t want to talk about it at all, I was about 6 weeks pregnant and we hadn’t told anyone yet but my 3 year old son. The day that I went for my first ultrasound my son was crying when I left him with his grandma so I told him I would be quick and I would show him a picture of the baby, after I was done. After the ultrasound, the doctor told me that they had not found a heartbeat. I was in shock and started crying, it was heart breaking when my son asked for the “picture” that I had promised. you’ve inspired me to write about my own experience.

    1. i am so sorry for your loss lidia! my heart is broken for you and your family, but im crossing fingers you’ll be able to give your son a sibling soon. really hope you’ll write about it because it really truly helped me to get it out with this post. be well and thank you for writing. xxx

  29. Mols
    So proud of your courage you have made so.many people feel they r not alone. The next time around will be great and you guys will be the best parents ever. Auntie j best grandma ever..
    It takes time to heal but i promise everything will be great look how strong this has made you
    Love u so much
    Cousin missy

  30. Thank you so much for sharing this. I went in for my first ultrasound last week when I was almost 9 weeks and the baby had no heartbeat. It angers me that miscarriages are so common, yet it’s never talked about. After seeing my social media explode with pregnancy announcements this weekend, your post was just the dose of realness and honesty that I needed. I am so sorry for your loss, and know that you are not alone.

  31. Hi – I just stumbled upon your site because I was looking for DIY experts and this article popped up. It rings home for me because in March of last year I went through the same thing with an ectopic pregnancy. I have been trying now for over a year since September 2014 to get pregnant and taking all kinds of fertility drugs. I was supposed to be doing an IVF cycle when they canceled and did an IUI instead – then I got my period so they thought game over. This is Jan 2015. In March I go back in to start another IVF cycle and they are like wait a second your pregnant – no one ever caught it. The IUI made me over 8 weeks pregnant and meanwhile it was an ectopic pregancy. During this whole time I was just going about my life and experiencing some pain thinking it was just cramps. I went away to another country and not knowing that I had this issue. I get back and the doctor is like oops – now we must rush you to the surgery room. It was painful and it was horrible when they give you a photo and tell you there was a heartbeat. I will never forget that. I have had that loss and have been stumbling through IVF cycles now since then with no success. I try to stay positive and hope that one day all will be in my favor and the stars will align. Yes it is a bit of a hidden secret that we go through – I sometimes feel like I am being weird talking about my issues meanwhile when people ask me how I am – what is happening – my fight with my fertility is typically one of the first things on my mind. I do think I should be able to talk about it. LIfe isn’t pretty – it is not all about what we like to post on instagram – what juice we are drinking or what cool place we went too – we should also be able to share the hell we go through sometimes and get support. I do support you sharing your story and do wish you good vibes and healthy wishes for the future. Claudine

  32. Molly – I am so sorry you went through this – but I applaud your bravery with telling your story. By your honesty, so many women will have more insight and information on the topic. Be well.
    Sending you love and healing vibes. xoxo, Sara

  33. I think you are so brave to talk about all this. We’ve wanted babies for years. And I am SO afraid I won’t be able to get pregnant at all. But you never really think about the complications and risks once you are. It’s just like, I want a baby let’s do this. I had my non-hormonal IUD out over two years ago. And before that had been on the pill forever. We got married this past October and haven’t been actively trying, but certainly would like it to happen. But before that were like sort of like, if it happens it happens but mostly tried to just be careful about when we had sex. I’m pretty surprised I haven’t gotten pregnant to be honest. And I am starting to get worried I won’t. I had a colposcopy and LEEP about 4 years ago, and was told I’d be high-risk when the day comes that I am pregnant since my cervix is shortened and may have trouble keeping baby to full term. I admire your strength in sharing with us, and really talking about this. My mom miscarried once before she ended up having my little sister. My best friend miscarried once, and now has a beautiful toddler. Another friend of mine has been trying for years, miscarried, and now may move in to try in vitro. But I think all people ever talk about and see really is perfect lives, perfect glowing pregnancies, and perfect little babies and families. I know it’s not easy to share such a personal experience, but know you are not alone and I think you’re really brave and strong. xoxo

  34. Oh Molly, I’m so sorry to hear this!! Fertility is such a bizarrely taboo thing. I was able to get pregnant without even trying with Briar but attempting to have a second baby has proven to be far more difficult! I just want to let you know that we ALL struggle in our own ways and I commend you on sharing your story with us! A healthy, happy pregnancy is going to happen in due time for you, I just know it. xx

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