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pregnancy fail (pt. 2)

i thought writing a blog post about this would be cathartic for me right now, so here we are. after my ectopic a few years ago i decided never to suffer alone like that again. i didn’t want my mom to know that we were trying at that point, i wanted to just surprise her when we had good news so instead i dealt with a month of sadness and pain without her and it was so so stupid. so never again, anytime i go through this i’m going to talk about it because not only do i need the love and support from people, but we all need to talk about these experiences to serve as constant reminders we’re not alone. 

it’s so easy to convince yourself there’s something wrong with your body. like oh my friend had one healthy pregnancy after another and never experienced any loss, why is she so lucky? what’s wrong with me? i even called my mom and was like MOM WHY DIDN’T YOU HAVE ANY MISCARRIAGES?! and she was like i did! and i was like oh ok phew. see why didn’t i already know that?!

i guess i’ll just tell the whole story since i’m here. at the beginning of the year, i decided it was now or never for us to try for another, arlo just keeps aging so quickly and i was begging gid who was really unsure given the whole pandemic situation. he was very hesitant about bringing a baby into a world we had no idea about (this was the early days of lockdown) and i understood but months kept going by and i turned 35 and arlo turned 3 and gid turned 40. so finally he agreed and we started trying for months, but we had issues. gid was on anti depressants that made the process really hard and frustrating for both of us and i cried every single month that i got my period. 

until he decided to go off of them while we tried and it worked. i got pregnant. i was OVER THE MOON. i didn’t wait to share with my loved ones, i told everyone right away. also because my dad was like living with us so it would be hard to conceal but i just decided to share the good news with everyone close to me. we were all so excited. trying not to get ahead of ourselves, but i had narrowed down baby names, maybe i casually worked on a pinterest board for a nursery, i even read the book that says its ok for pregnant women to eat sushi because duh you know i wanna eat sushi.

i was also so anxious though, that first month or two feels like eternity when you haven’t actually got a clue if there’s a real thing happening in there or not. when i went for my first ultrasound i told her before that i was so nervous. maybe i had a feeling.

but i was feeling a bunch of symptoms and arlo randomly started to seem to like babies a little of out of nowhere too. he was asking to watch the margaret episodes of daniel tiger even though he always hated margaret haha. it felt like a sign. 

this happening during covid is not ideal, being alone for the ultrasound was a moment that i hopefully will forget someday, but it feels like i won’t. i had my phone ready to facetime gid who was down in the car, but they were quiet. and quiet. and quiet. and then they told me they could see the sack but not the embryo. they said maybe it’s just too early and you’re measuring earlier than you are, so we’ll try again in a week. i texted gid that i wasn’t calling him and i would be down soon. 

that was the longest hardest week ever, not knowing. trying so hard to be optimistic, in a way though i think it prepared me mentally for the next ultrasound. i went in mentally prepared for the worst and same thing. they were quiet. i said “nothing?” and they said “the embryo is there now. but there’s no heartbeat.” again, i texted gid down in the car. “no baby.” it was definitely hard enough to experience on its own but without gid there to hold my hand fucking sucked.

because of covid, i didn’t want to deal with a d&c, so i just decided to have the miscarriage at home. and it’s super pathetic that i was slightly into the idea of doing it at home where i could actually be in bed and have to suffer yeah totally, but get to watch movies alone?? i’m intrigued. 

i thought once i took the pills i’d have another day but my body responded within an hour and i was having the worst cramps of my life. like screaming/crying ones for about 4-5 hours and i didn’t want to scare arlo so i was trying to stay chill. i ended up taking some pain killers and an anti anxiety pill from my sister in law thank god, i felt better almost instantly. that night i bled through my period proof underwear, a pad, my sweatpants, a towel, my sheet onto the mattress protector. TMI but wow it was so gnarly. 

the next day i literally just slept all day. i spoke to my dr who said he thinks my body just responded really quickly and that i was probably through the worst of it. it isn’t over now but i am barely cramping and bleeding so i feel like i’m almost past it and so glad to be done with this part. we women sure have to deal with a lot of bullshit right? OH YOU WANTED TO HAVE A BABY? WELL NO BABY FOR YOU AND HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING SUFFER TOOOOOO MUAHAHA!!!

arlo has been an absolute angel this week. he’s been constantly checking on me, asking me when i’m going to feel better and keeps coming in to give me kisses and tell me he misses me. also gid showed him the daniel tiger episode when mommy is sick so he comes in to sing “when you’re sick, rest is best rest is best”. 

took this picture before i threw out the positive pregnancy tests. when you don’t have an ultrasound photo yet, they’re all you have as your happy pregnancy souvenirs. so now looking at them hurts. but i know it could have been so much worse. i could have been further along, i could not have arlo. trying to remember all of that, and hoping that when my body is able, i’ll feel emotionally ready to try again. 

sending love to all of you going through anything similar. i hope you talk about it too, it really does help.

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  1. I’m so sorry, Molly.

  2. Hi, I’m a random follower/never commenter but I just wanted to tell you this happened to me too, in my first pregnancy. I was also alone for that first devastating ultrasound because I stupidly thought my husband could come when there was “more to see.” I also took the pills, also had a horribly painful experience at home. I appreciate you sharing your story to help others feel less alone, it was so shocking to me how many people said “oh me too” after I told people about my miscarriage. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you continue to feel better.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had a long IVF journey with lots of crying each time I got my period. It’s a lonely journey. We have no idea what other people experience and it’s so generous to share your life with us. It does make me feel less alone. Thank you.

    1. I’m sorry Molly for what u’ve been thru
      I’m just random followers and don’t know u in person but I can see you are such a lovely person
      I believe everyone and all your friends are there for u and praying for you

      Is so coincidence that the age gap between you and your husband same as mine
      And we are still trying to get our first baby
      And I just keep my faith on Him whenever the time is right and we are ready according to His plan, we will have it

      My prayers goes to ur family and especially for u

  4. Oh Molly. We are with you. We’ve dealt with the same (prior to baby number 1)- 1 ectopic, then another early loss, and then when I had little hope, a baby! And now we are expecting baby number two but i know the anxiety and the hope all too well. Still have it. Here’s sending you some hope and encouragement. This is hard on your body and on your soul. Hoping for better news in 2021 and lots and lots of rest for you right now.

  5. “OH YOU WANTED TO HAVE A BABY? WELL NO BABY FOR YOU AND HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING SUFFER TOOOOOO MUAHAHA!!!” This!! I have thought this so many times. I went to the ER so I also had a $1600 bill ?

    We messaged when you reshared your blog post about your miscarriage this time last year, after I had one a year ago. I really appreciated that because it was before I told a lot of people, before I felt like I could talk about it. When I finally did tell a lot of people via IG, I was shocked at the connections that came through, how many women struggle with fertility. I’m still bit pregnant and it’s been a whole year of trying. It’s HARD. Let’s continue to lift each other up in our struggles! It doesn’t matter that you weren’t further along or that you already have Arlo. A loss is a loss. I’m so sorry you are going through this but so grateful you continue to share. It’s so important that we normalize this stuff because it’s so common. Thank you Molly. Rest IS best!

  6. Since I know there is nothing I can say that can make anything better, I just want to say I’m sorry this is happening- it fucking sucks, and it’s unfair and I wish you and Gid didn’t have to experience it.

  7. That hurt my heart to read and I’ve never even gone through that. I can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing and sending you so much love ❤️❤️❤️.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. A life need not be long lived for it to have been meaningful. Reading this post means so much to me. We lost our baby boy just recently. For reasons unknown, my water broke prematurely at 17 weeks, they induced labor and I delivered him on December 5th. That last ultrasound where they confirmed there was no fluid around him, has been to date the worst day of my life. My heart and spirit are completely broken, but it is a comfort to know that we are not alone so thank you Molly for sharing your story. This life can be fucking cruel but I have faith it goes the other way too. Peace and healing to us all. <3

  9. Your voice is such a friendly, frank part of the Internet and I admire the way you tackle such a variety of topics. Thank you for sharing!! Sending loads of healing love!

  10. I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks a few years ago, and I was completely surprised by how much it hurt – not just emotionally, but physically. I was lucky to have a baby after this miscarriage, but going through labour made me fully realize how much a miscarriage can be like giving birth. I totally went through many of the same pains during my miscarriage, without the benefit of having a baby. It was a horrible combination of labour + the worst period of all time.

    It was a very sad experience that I hold with me, and my condolences are with you and anyone who has gone through this.

  11. Tara Smith says:

    Praying for you! I just had to have a D&C the first time we tried getting pregnant in July and it was so hard- esp because it happened the first time we tried to get pregnant. It was also hard having to get a surgery when no one can be with you- my husband dropped me off and picked me up and I was in the hospital alone all day, it was terrible but it made me a stronger person. I’m now 11 weeks pregnant <3 but I’m of course a nervous wreck until I get to my 12 week appt. We all support and love you! So many of us have gone through these terrible things and I think it’s best to be there for one another and know we aren’t alone. Thanks for sharing your story! <3

  12. I’m so sorry for you. You are not alone. My husband and I now have four beautiful, healthy children. But between my second and third child, I suffered three back to back miscarriages and it was devastating. You will never forgot the babies you lost. But it will get better. And I’m so sorry you have to feel this.

  13. I don’t know exactly what to say that can possibly make you feel better except that I hope you find comfort in your beautiful child and that your body, heart and spirit heal and renew. In this weird internet space your voice is always such a friendly and refreshing reminder that there’s real people out there. Sending so much love your way!

  14. Not being pregnant when you desperately want to sucks. Not staying pregnant when you are so excited to be sucks. Having your baby die sucks. Even if you have good things in your life please don’t feel the need to say “at least…” you can be sad and hurt and angry. You do not have to try to minimize your feelings by remembering all the good in your life (if you don’t want to) and I hope no one tells you “at least…xyz”, that has to be one
    of the more hurtful but not intentionally hurtful comments you can receive after a loss like yours. It just sucks and I’m sorry. I’ve been there and been there and been there. Thanks for sharing with us..

  15. Jillian Brooks says:

    That’s not a fail. You had a pregnancy, I’m so sorry that it ended in a miscarriage. I’m also really sorry that it isn’t more common knowledge how many pregnancy’s end that way. It’s tragic and the fact that it’s on the DL makes it harder for the families going through it. It’s ok to not feel ok. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have no doubt it will help someone else. -hugs from a so cal transplant in Dallas

    1. Jillian put it perfectly. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I’m sorry you had to be alone when you found out.

  16. Your vulnerability and honesty are needed in this world and so so appreciated. You are not alone and you are gifting that to so many by sharing you experience. I’m so sorry for your loss, sending lots of love and healing.

  17. Thank you for sharing. I’m also relieved to see so many sharing their stories. This helps so many. I hope you feel better❤️

  18. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending all kinds of virtual hugs and healing energy (for the body and the soul). I’ve never been pregnant (#childfree) but have been by their sides as my sister and a number of friends have miscarried. The heartbreak never gets easier. Wishing you peace and love and light, and lots of sweet kisses and “rest is best” songs from Arlo.

  19. Tiffany Stark says:

    Oh Molly I’m so sorry this happened to you. We went through the same this year- a miscarriage and a d+c during the pandemic (just when we all thought the year couldn’t get worse? ?), and a $3k+ bill. I appreciate you sharing your story SO MUCH. It’s such a lonely situation (mad even lonelier because of Covid) and hearing that I’m / you’re not alone is about all we have. Im so sorry for your loss and hoping that a healthy pregnancy is in your future if that’s what you all are still hoping for. ?

  20. I’ve been trying to get pregnant with my first child for over a year… it really is so stressful and hard. My husband and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility so I totally get the whole blaming your own body and thinking what the hell is wrong with me! I’m so sorry for your loss and your experience but I want you to know I’m grateful that you are sharing it. I wish that more people openly shared their trials and struggles with trying to get pregnant and infertility. It sure would make so many people feel less alone and less awful about their own bodies. You are so brave and I hope you feel better soon.

  21. Haley Schrauben says:

    i am so unbelievably sorry that you went through this experience. but you are right, you are not alone. we went through a very similar experience a couple of months ago (second baby, told everyone really early, found no heartbeat around 7/8 weeks, took the pill to avoid a d&c during covid, etc). but in a weird way, i’m glad we told everyone early, as it really served as an extra support system once we had to break the bad news to those same people. most days i am at peace with it all, but some days, i feel like “fuck this”. and for the love of god, why, after losing a baby, do we have to BLEED SO MUCH, and then wait for ANOTHER DAMN PERIOD before trying again. it really is bullshit. it helps to hear these similar stories, so thank you for sharing. i hope you are feeling the love and support from your readers, too!

  22. Jill Katz says:

    Dearest Molly. What a brave and courageous young woman you are to share your story of your miscarriage with your readers. I know the pain you are feeling right now. I also know that after your first miscarriage you were still able to conceive your darling Arlo. This makes me think there is another baby in your future. As your mother I know it’s hard to share these feelings if loss. But I think you will find solace in hearing the stories of others. I am here for you in any way I can. I love you beyond words. I pray fir your recovery.

  23. I’m so so sorry for your loss! I went through something similar (trying for a year, everything seeming to perfectly line up, then miscarrying) and it was the hardest and loneliest time of my life, can’t imagine adding Covid isolation in too. I completely gave up trying and was Shocked to be pregnant 4 months later, and now my son is a month younger than Arlo. It will get easier in time, but I know it doesn’t make it any better right now. So so sorry for what you are going through!

  24. Oh ouch; I am so sorry. I identify so much, especially with the “crying every month”. That odd wishing of “please no no no,” right as you unbutton and unzip, just to get a reminder that Nope. Not this time, either.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  25. I just went through this too. It’s the worst and I’m glad you’re talking about it. Talking about it made me feel better. Thinking about you. Thanks for always being so honest and real.

  26. Christina says:

    Molly, I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing this with us, and I hope our support makes this a bit easier to bear. Sending you love and healing thoughts.

  27. Thank you for sharing. I’m crying with you. It took about 3 months before I healed emotionally and physically . I was very weepy the first 3 months wish I had someone to talk to. Thank you for talking about it so that it’s not stigmatized. Sending you hugs and love.

  28. Lizzie D. says:

    New here! But read this post and have to echo all the others: this happened to me too. I miscarried at 8 weeks, with gruesome details I will withhold. Now I’m lying here holding my sleeping almost one-year-old… so all the things I told myself about my body being defective were lies. Even so, I still think about that babe-that-wasn’t-to-be. Miscarriage is so common, so natural, but so SO devastating. Thanks for sharing your story.

  29. Thank you thank you so much for sharing this. Too many women go through similar situations and suffer alone. Sending you all the virtual love.

  30. priscilla j says:

    hi molly! first, just want to say i’ve been a big fan of your blog and instagram for a long time and I just love how real and honest you are. I have a (nearly) 3 year old and she absolutely LOVES both mamma mia movies, which I introduced to her bc arlo loved them so much.
    I also had a miscarriage before I became pregnant with her, and your story sounds so familiar to mine. during my first pregnancy I was over the moon and told everyone, and one day I started bleeding so much that I was surprised I was still alive and functioning. it was traumatic and I felt so ashamed to tell everyone that it wasn’t happening. thank you so much for sharing your story…it’s nice knowing we’re not alone <3

  31. I’m so sorry, mama. Sending you and your family love and light.

  32. I’m sorry for your loss and all the pain you’ve encountered on this part of your journey. But as other readers have pointed out, this pregnancy is not a fail. This is a pregnancy that will not result in a live birth, but this sweet unborn child will be with you for the rest of your life. I know this because I miscarried at nineteen weeks back in 1993, and my unborn son has been very much alive in my heart for all the years from then till now. My four adult daughters know about him and in their own way, honor his memory, and I keep a couple small traditions to recognize his tiny life. Go ahead and mourn the loss of his life, because that matters, and then keep him as a treasure in your heart forever. Much love to you.

  33. I am so sorry.
    I lost my first child at 17 weeks in 2020. After two lonely weeks with no visitors (because of covid) in the hospital. Until now I am not mentally ready to try again but talking helps so much. I wish you all the best for the new year and that your wishes will come true.

  34. I’m sorry, Molly. I experienced almost the same tho g this fall. Pregnant in September after a YEAR of trying. Slow growth and slow heartbeat at weeks 7/8. Had a D&C on Nov 1. Setbacks are the worst. Having my 3 year old daughter helps make it all ok (like you said about Arlo). Each baby is such a gift and truly a miracle. I hope you have the strength and optimism to try again. Women are truly amazing….

  35. I’m sorry for your loss 🙁

    Early this spring we lost our first child at 38 weeks, it was a stillbirth, doctors have no answers for us. I just woke up one day earning to feel my baby’s kicks again.
    I keep telling myself same thing, it could’ve been worse, we could’ve welcomed our baby into the world and lost him later? God forbid. Pain at any stage is so hard it leaves you hopeless.
    We had a hard time getting pregnant after the stillbirth but I’m finally expecting again, I wish we could say we are excited-although we are, we’re scared. We feel like we can’t truly be excited until we hold our next baby in our arms and hear their cry. I feel like once you go through loss you see the world with different eyes. You treasure children so much more.
    I’m with you for wanting to try again for another baby. Best wishes, sending hugs your way.

  36. Molly, I’m so sorry to hear this. I admire and appreciate your candor, vulnerability, and humor. Yes to this comment–“Your voice is such a friendly, frank part of the Internet and I admire the way you tackle such a variety of topics.”

    I envy Gideon and Arlo, that they get to hear your point of view and humor all the time. Write a book!

    sending love

  37. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but appreciate you sharing. I had a very similar experience – I also already have a son, I got pregnant with our second but then miscarried at 9 weeks back in August. It’s so hard. Not only having to go through a miscarriage but then having to start trying all over again. But I can relate to so much of the things you’ve said – I also felt glad it wasn’t any later in my pregnancy and that I already have my son, I also didn’t tell anybody because I wanted to wait until I had a baby announcement (which thankfully we got pregnant a few months later and I’m now 13 wks) but I now tell anybody about my miscarriage as it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders once I did.

    Wishing you all the best xx

  38. Thanks for sharing. I had a missed miscarriage at nine weeks my first time, but now I have a wonderful five month old. I also had the mc at home (just waited for it to happen), but I ended up having to go to the ER anyway due to bloodloss. It’s so hard, and what helped the most was knowing I wasn’t alone thanks to everyone who shared their stories, like you. Sending love and strength.

  39. Molly, thank you for your candid vulnerability in sharing your experience. I’ve been a reader for many years, but never commented. I recently had a miscarriage in January, after two healthy babies (whom I’m so grateful for!). Hearing from other women who’ve gone through the same thing (gone before me, so to speak), has been so grounding. Thank you for helping me feel less alone and giving language to the mess of feelings. Sending you and your sweet family all the love and hope for whatever is to come. ❤️